• Neil

Three Emperors

Peter has had his revenge. He did not take kindly to the suggestion in my previous post that he was named after a Beatrix Potter character, even though he has exactly the same blue jacket.

Consequently he has availed himself of my foolish invitation to submit themes for me to write about.

He has asked for my views on 'The Drei Kaiserbund', ‘magnetic reversal’, and ‘mortise and tenon’ .

Obviously the first thing to do when facing such a challenge is to recall the funny stories or jokes one has heard about these subjects. But in this case they are so over-used and hackneyed I am sure you will not settle for that.

Being as I have spent the last couple of weeks helping the kids of friends improve their various theses (Son, the quickest way to improve that thesis is to burn it) and have been insisting on clarity of thought and step by step explanations I will approach this challenge as if you were not authorities on these matters and explain them as if to a neophyte.

Magnetic reversal

This refers to the process by which the North Pole is transferred into the South Pole and the South Pole becomes the North Pole. Sooo annoying when that happens.

The Dreikaisebund

An alliance in the latter part of the 19th century between the emperors of Germany, Austria-Hungary and Russia.

Mortise and Tenon

This refers either to a joint which connects two pieces of wood or a music hall double act which I just made up.

But wait! Hold up! We do not live in an age in which we rely on facts. What we need is another conspiracy theory - and I have one for you.

In the days before computers and modern encryption techniques people still wanted to keep some things hush hush. And that was most certainly the case when our three emperors got together for their chinwag.

They ‘encrypted’ key phrases simply by turning them into English language anagrams.

They foresaw two levels for extra security - so even if you latched on to their clever ruse the Big Three assumed you would transform Magnetic Reversal into Glaciers Averment, as indeed glaciers would be making some kind of statement or declaration by sliding over your house if the magnetic poles started wandering off.

In reality they were, of course, talking about Viceregent Alarms. Each of them was obsessed by the idea that their number two was going to ice them and they were looking for a bit of top man solidarity.

They became each other’s Anointed Mentors (mortice and tenon!).

Minnesota Rodent was not a rat but a red herring; as was Renominated Snot.

After all, if a glacier is sliding over your house you have better things to get on with than finding a new word for mucus.

I hope that has cleared things up for all of you.

I am very happy to note that there are increasing numbers of you popping in to read my posts. I should get round, at some stage, to launching a study to find out why you bother. Is it schadenfreude? - my goodness, thankfully I'm not a dumb as him.

Is to provide contrast? - it makes the washing up feel like fun.

Is it just to keep me out of your lives? Keep liking his stuff and he'll have to stay at his desk writing it.

As long as it is not because you think you might learn something I am not too worried.

Please send me more ideas for posts as Alfie is no longer cooperating.



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